Boris Johnson, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Found Dead in a Ditch at the Age of 55

LONDON - Fulfilling his most important political promise, Prime Minister Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson of the United Kingdom was found dead in a ditch after not securing Britain's exit from the European Union by October 31st. He had made the pledge in a last-ditch effort to placate the vociferously anti-European factions in his party, which has been fighting for a swift exit since the 2016 referendum in which 52% of Britons voted to leave the EU.

Johnson is survived by the tattered remains of a once-great country. Rather than a funeral, the nation will hold a "Celebration of Death" ceremony for their fallen leader. His remains will be cremated during the annual Guy Fawkes Night rituals, an honour reserved for the very highest of traitors caught in the UK Parliament. In lieu of flowers, his party asks that mourners punch a small child in the mouth, or kick a particularly cute puppy in his memory.

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